Alone

I use to live alone all by myself in an apartment when I was younger and …single.  It’s certainly not a new experience to me.   And even though the neighborhood was not the elite and safest place there could be, I still manage to go to sleep with all lights was off without much feeling of insecurity.  And for some reason I actually liked it.  I like the quietness and the fact that I don’t have to worry about many other things.

But, after my mother passed away…I find myself hating the idea of sleeping alone.  Not that I am afraid of ghost or things like that but I guess, the mourning period was much more bearable when there is someone by your side. I don’t know but, that’s how I get through the hard time.  And after sometimes, I realize I really cannot sleep alone anymore. I won’t be able to sleep and will spend the whole night drowned in tears if there is no one with me in the same room. 

My husband aware of this and that’s why he always bring me along whenever he has to work somewhere out of Labuan.  But in case that he has to work in place like KL where I cannot come along, I will go back to my father’s house and..when I do so, I will sleep in my sister’s room.  I won’t sleep alone.

One month ago, my husband told me that he has to go to KK-Sandakan-Tawau for about 2 weeks and ask me what I am deciding to do.  And after considering it for sometimes, I told him I decide to just stay home with Rhys.  I have a son now and to be honest, it’s not that easy to travel with a little child too often. Not because they are troublesome but sometimes the changes of place and weather can make them sick easily. And there are lots of other reasons too.  And…for me personally, I guess it’s time to make changes, to take courage to get over my grieve and to move on with my life.  After all, I am not totally alone.  I have my little knight with me.  

My husband went to KK almost 2 weeks ago and he will be back in 2 days time.  And all this while, I spend my days and night with only my little one.  Whenever I feel bored, I will bring him to a nearby shop we called ‘Kedai Amoi’ to buy something or anything to chew.  It makes him happy.  I notice that since my husband is away, my son is quite clingy to me (in a good way).  He is snuggling closely to me all through the night and smile widely whenever he saw me opened my eyes in the morning and straight away come on top of me to give me a hug and to be picked up.  Poor him…maybe he is wondering where his daddy is.  And the fact that I am all that he has in this big world at the moment makes him extra clingy to me.

My son is sleeping soundly now right beside me while I am typing this.  I don’t want him to wake up and find me not there. So, I bring my laptop with me to bed.  And whenever I look at his adorable face, I am so thankful that I have him with me to get through this particular 2 weeks. These 2 weeks makes me realize….I am getting over my grieve of losing my mom, I am healed or is healing and If ever I have to be left alone and have to sleep alone all by myself, I will be fine…I will be alright.  But still….I don’t like the idea of being alone.  It just simply…not fun at all.  So…yeah..I am counting hours, minutes and seconds for my husband to come home.  I do miss him and I believe our son miss him too.